MARCH 8, 1996 GAY PEOPLE's ChronICLE

BIG TIPS

Twenty-one reasons to leave, and get on with your life

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Happy International Women's Month! In honor of this auspicious time, I, um, joined a record club. All right, I just joined the club, it had no connection with recognizing the struggles and triumphs of my sisters across the globe and in my own back yard (say I had one). I am, however, getting in touch with my roots as I write this very missive to you. Listening to the soundtrack of my girlhood, the music of my people: Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass, Did you know that four of their first five albums were in the top ten at the same time? Forget being more popular than God: that's more popular than the Beatles. And there's no holiday commemorating these men?

Dear M.T.,

My lover of the past two years and I have many problems, admittedly caused by my jealousy. I needed much more attention than he had time to give me, and because of this I left him two different times (1), never realizing just how much I truly loved him. Both times he asked me back, telling me he didn't want to ever be without me (2).

The second time, I knew he had dated someone else while I was gone. He asked me to meet this guy, so that we could all be friends (3). I agreed, and upon meeting him, found myself somehow drawn to him. The three of us started doing things together, and finally realizing how much I loved my husband, and thinking he loved me just as much, I consented that the two of them could go out a few different times, since I work at night (4).

After knowing him for a few weeks, my lover and I discussed and decided to invite our new friend (5) to spend the night. The three of us slept together two times. Both times, the other guy and I cuddled and rubbed each other all night long. There seemed to be a real emotional bond forming between us (6), and we ended up kissing very passionately, something that is very special to me.

A week later, my so-called "husband” told me that his feelings for me were no longer the same, and he was going to start dating our new friend (7). I wanted to die, and sometimes wish I still would. The man who at one time told me there was nothing I could do to make him ever want to be with anyone else, was giving up on me (8). I realize I hurt him many times over the years, but for over a month prior to this, I admitted that I knew how horrible I had been, and he told me he had noticed a wonderful change in me (9). I wanted nothing more than to make up for all the bad times I'd caused. Since his news, my feelings for him haven't changed, and I still dream of spending my life with him. The story got more complicated when I decided I still wanted to try to be friends with his new boyfriend (10). He and I have a lot in common, more than my ex and I ever had, and more than my ex and he have. We talk about everything, including how I still feel

about my ex-his new man—and he's really been a great comfort to me (11). Although I know it's wrong, my feelings for him have started to turn into much more than friendship. I told him how I feel about him, and he said he finds himself caring about me too much also, even telling me that he misses me in bed with him. Yet he continues to come over and sleep in what was once my bed, with what was once my husband (12). In the morning, he usually comes out and talks to me while my ex is still asleep, sometimes allowing me to touch him (13), and sometimes hold

on to me.

As much as I'm still in love with my ex, I find myself wondering if I would be happier with his new boyfriend (14). He is so sweet and caring and possesses so many of the qualities I've always wanted in a lover, I feel so bad he had to get caught up in such a bad situation (15). Sometimes I want to ask him if he's consider going out with me, even though I'm afraid this is too wrong, and he'd probably think I was just on the rebound (16) after what I've told him about being so in love with my ex. My friends tell me I need to just move out, so I won't have to deal with it, but they also say if they were in my situation, they'd probably stay too. They also told me to go ahead and make an advance toward my newfound friend since they think I'd be happier.

I wish I could leave this whole situation, but in a way, someday my ex will realize what he's given up, and ask me back into his heart (17). But the main reason I can't leave is that I have nowhere to go. I've done a good job burning my bridges in the past, and right now I don't have the money to go out on my own (18). When I look back at my life, I can't believe I could knowingly screw it up so bad (19). Now, once again, I know that what I want is wrong, but I also know what I feel, and feelings are something no one else is able to control (20). If you could give me some advice, I'd really appreciate it, I really need the help!

Dear Go On,

Wondering Why I Go On (21)

1. For some reason you chose to leave him not once, but twice: you apparently thought there was something wrong with the relationship, or you were jerking his chain. 2. People's feelings change.

3. Why do you need to be friends with this new guy?

4. What did you consent to? Dinner? Sex? Were you giving him a thumbs up to an open, non-monogamous relationship? A three-

way?

5. He's not your friend, and he's not new to your husband.

6. Sex can do that.

7. It sounds like he wasn't brave enough to break up with you without his next duck lined up, or he was too weak to not ask you back, even though he was already emotionally into his next relationship.

8. That's what breaking up is, and it rots.

9. Sometimes you learn the lesson about yourself in time for the next lover, but not this one.

10. Boundaries, anyone? 11. (See 10)

12. That's what next lovers do? Most exlovers feel sick about it, but don't compound their grief by lying on the other side of the bedroom wall.

13. In a sexual way?

14. Go ahead and wonder.

15. He's not yours to be co-dependent on. 16. No matter how dreamy he is, you are. 17. As unlikely as that possibility is, it's more likely if you're not in his face, giving him baleful looks and touching his new boyfriend.

18. You have to get out there. Until you do, you'll have a nearly impossible time building some self-respect and distance from this particular situation, which doesn't sound like a productive part of your plan for a moretogether life. If staying with friends or bor-

hun) a growing together of parts

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rowing money are impossible or unwise, it may sound less than glamorous, but there's always the YMCA (good enough for the Village People): it's inexpensive in the first place, and they frequently have programs for people in transition in which they waive rent for a few months while you find a job and get a permanent place.

19. But you're working on breaking those destructive patterns, and this situation is an opportunity to take the high road and do the right thing: get out, and either be alone for a while, or find your own boyfriend.

20. You can't control your feelings, but you can point your body in the right direction, and kick your own butt out the door.

21. Because you know that all of this painful learning is going to make you a much better lover next time. Sigh. Good luck.

Send queries or comments to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, OH 44101; or fax to 216631-1082; or e-mail ChronOhio@aol.com.

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